Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
