If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
