I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You pole danced in your parka.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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