One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
