what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
