I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
