I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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