mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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