i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
