I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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