3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He felt like a one man threesome
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
