After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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