We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i need some magic done to my vagina
Let's get the cat blown out
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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