So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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