i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
