turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
