i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
