my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
