I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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