i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
