bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
