i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
