I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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