I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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