I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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