You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize