Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
