I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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