Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
