The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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