wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
where does the pee come out of this thing
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
