twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
