Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
