Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
