I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
