i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
