I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
