NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
