I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
