I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
