she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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