Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
