The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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