i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
