I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
