I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
