1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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