I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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