Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
