Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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