saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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