My sheets look like a crime scene.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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