i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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