I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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