Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
