help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
