I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
