i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
