god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
