Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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