I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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