Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize